Learning to trust, again

Have you ever gone against the grain?  Tried to walk against a strong wind or swim against the currant? Have you taken three left turns to turn right?  You can but it is a lot harder and takes more time and energy.  This was me at the beginning of the twins pregnancy with the boys.  I'm stubborn and determined. After finding out I was pregnant with twins, I convinced myself that I could continue to do all the same things I had planned. I had a job and I was so involved at church that I had plans almost every night of the week. I was in VLI, this is a school.  It takes study time, reading time, project time, and more time. I was leading a youth team and leading a small group at my house. I was overloaded and didn't know it.  And if you had forgotten, I also had a very active 2 year old and a husband and a messy house.  If your a mom, I'm sure you're thinking I was crazy.  I was! 

I obviously didn't know my limitations.  And I was so sure that God wanted me to do all of these things.  I was so sure that I was on the right path.  But I was so wrong and it took a lot of left turns to figure it out. I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I didn't talk about this much or let on that this was a major struggle through the pregnancy. Babies are blessings and two at a time is twice the blessing, right?  I told myself this many times, and I knew it, but I still had this internal struggle. And I knew I needed to do what was best for the little babies growing inside me.  

So, I did something about it.  I started letting things go.  I realized maybe God didn't want me to do all of these things. I had to admit, not only was I taking left turns to go right, I was lost and I needed to back track. VLI was one of the first to go.  As I was preparing for my first set of tests in my second quarter, I realized baby brain was making it extremely difficult to retain all the information. Because I hate to admit defeat, I considered cheating and using my books for the test (hey, nobody's perfect), and quickly realized that was a horrible idea and not the way I wanted to do VLI.  It was hard letting go.  I quit and I'm not a quitter. I had to look at it differently.  VLI is still there now and will be in the future.  And someday I might jump back in.  But, you only get one chance with each pregnancy and your kids are only little once. So, I needed to put other things on pause so I could focus on the most important task God had given me; motherhood. I felt so much better and some of the anxiety and panic attacks had gone. 

Now that I wasn't as busy I had more time to worry. The major question I was dealing with was "how can we handle this financially?"  How can I possibly go back to work after?  Up to this point we had a couple of different family members or friends watch Kyleigh for cheap while BJ was in school and I was at work.  But who would take Kyleigh and newborn twins, and not want an arm and a leg? Plus, I wanted to be home with my kids. I always thought I'd be home with them when they were little.  BJ didn't even have a job when we found out we were having twins. So, I was the only income. These thoughts swirled in my head. And any way you worked it, it didn't work out. 

I know now, this was a trust test.  Did I really trust God to provide? The bible says,

  "Don't worry about anything;instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" Phillipians 4:6-7

Ok, I knew this verse. But I'm a planner and a thinker and problem solver.  I can surely do it all myself, right? But I did know and continually reminded myself, "don't worry about anything, pray about everything".  So, I'd pray but I'd still worry. The whole "don't worry"part is hard!  Trusting is hard. I wanted the peace and I wanted to enjoy the last few months of my pregnancy.  After many discussions BJ and I knew I needed to be home with the kids. That part made sense and we had peace about that decision(sort of). The how, was the kicker. We knew we had to trust God and that the how would make sense later (hopefully). I was so sure I was making the right decisions before and thought they were led by God, so was I hearing Him this time? I had doubts. But we had to move forward. This was a leap of faith. I wanted to know how we'd land and where we would land before I jumped, but then it wouldn't be a leap of faith. So, we jumped and piece by piece God provided. BJ got a job, flexible and steady was the first piece. And a few family members and friends started giving us hand me down clothes and baby things that we would need.  So, I knew the boys would be clothed and have a place to sleep when they got here. The rest came later.  Peace came as I continued to trust and let go of the control. It was something I did over and over and over again through this pregnancy.