Life Changes in an Instant

Have you ever thought about how small moments have a huge impact on our lives?  Life simply changes in an instant. Sometimes you know what that change is, you have planned for it, you are completely ready or at least you think you are ready.  Then it happens, that instant and everything is different. Sometimes it’s what you expected and sometimes it is not.  Sometimes it’s better than expected and sometimes it catches you by surprise and it’s nothing like you thought it would be.  Then you have those times that life changes in an instant that you never ever even thought about. It just happens and you find yourself taken back and wondering where that came from.  Sometimes it’s something amazing and your more excited than you have ever been. Or, it’s something not good and it takes your breath away and you feel like you can’t breathe.  But, you can’t go back, you can’t rewind, it is what it is and life is changed.  In 2012 our family seemed to have one instant after another where life was simply different.  Some moments amazing and planned for and expected. Some better than expected and some came out of left field and took our breathe away.   

 In January of 2012 I had just started VLI (Vineyard Leaders Institute) and was ready to take a more serious approach to moving into ministry as a career. I had been leading the youth group at our church for about 5 years and I really thought it was time to make steps toward being a youth pastor. The tiny middle school group that I had started with 5 years before had grown into 30+ kids and about a dozen adult leaders.  God was moving in big ways and I was so excited about where our church was headed and about this youth ministry.  My day job was a secretary at a law office. This job was a huge blessing and worked well with the work I did with the church. BJ was just a few semesters away from graduating from Grand View University with a degree in Health Promotions. Kyleigh, our daughter, was almost 2.  She was always full of energy and she made our life fuller and happier with lots of laughs.  Life seemed to be at a good place and we had decided that this might be the right time to add a baby to the mix. BJ and I had talked about the plan for the year and how a baby could fit into it.  Life was chugging along at full speed and we thought we were headed in the right direction.   

We found out I was pregnant at the end of February after about 4ish months of trying. This was an instant that we were prepared for and wanted. Life had changed. Our family went from 3 to 4 in an instant. My response to this positive pregnancy test was far less dramatic than my first pregnancy.  I knew what to expect in the weeks to come.  I was already a mom, so adding another little bundle seemed exciting and good. And we trusted God to continue to guide us and provide for us what we needed.  

So, I'm a planner. Constantly thinking through and figuring out what's next. I was totally prepared to continue working and leading our youth group with a baby and Kyleigh.  I had it all planned out in my head and it seemed reasonable. I could continue VLI and I could do it all…right? BJ and I had talked about it and how the first few months might be hard but we could figure it out.  He was suppose to graduate in December and by my calculations I was due at the beginning of November.  So, I could go back to work after he finished school.  And he could look for a job and watch the kiddos…etc. and so on. But, there was something really different about this pregnancy. I was more tired and I felt more nauseous. It was a lot harder on me than I remembered with Kyleigh. I just didn’t want to do anything but sit on the couch.  I was overwhelmed by how tired I was and how little I could accomplish.  The week before Easter I had gotten really sick with a stomach bug. I couldn’t eat much but chocolate milk and cookies. Everything else made me sick. I went to the doctor and got some antibiotics. I had to get back to work. Finally I started feeling better but I had some bleeding. Just a tiny bit. Bleeding while pregnant can be normal but since I had been so sick the week before I scheduled an appointment anyway.  Ok, I thought, I’ll go in and they’ll tell me everything is fine and I can go back to work. 

As I walked in the midwives office, I was pretty sure everything was fine because I had not had any more blood.  They examined me and then the midwife tried to find a heartbeat. As I held my breath and waited it seemed to take forever. She finally found one and I sighed with relief and smiled. I was relieved, she said everything seemed to be fine.  She decided to have me do an ultra-sound anyway, just to be sure everything was ok.

As the ultra-sound tech put the wand on my belly, I knew what I would see would be like a little blob. There were two little blobs.  As I looked at the screen, I thought is that what I think it is…no, no, it can’t be…it’s probably just a head and a butt and they’ll connect as the wand moves…right?!  They did not connect, these two somethings in me did not connect. Wait, TWO?!? Then, when the ultra-sound tech said “I have some news for you”. I knew exactly what she was going to say next – TWINS! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT! I almost fell off the table. I wanted to puke, laugh, scream and cry all at the same time.  I felt excited, terrified, overjoyed, a little angry, happy, nervous, anxious all at the same time.  This was not what we had planned for and we were not prepared. And now everything had changed in an instant. Everything! Oh crap, I thought.  How am I going to handle this? Twins are a blessing…right?  I thought, well we wanted 3 kids and we get them in 2 pregnancies and since I did not wear pregnancy well, this was a great thing. Thank God we already have a minivan.  Twins + Kyleigh, God are you crazy?  Are You trying to drive me crazy?!  I won’t be able to go back to work. Oh, crap, I haven’t even told my work I was pregnant.  It’s change that hits you and you’re not sure what to think or how to react or what to do next. And I had to tell BJ, crap. Oh crap.

I walked out of the doctor’s office in a daze of questions and confusion.  And I had to get back to work. I wanted to go home and tell BJ in person but there was no time.  So, I called him.  I made sure he wasn’t driving (I needed him good and alive after this news). I said "I have some news you might want to sit down for."  He knew instantly and the way he said "twins?" in response had a hint of nauseousness. We had an "oh crap" moment. We were fully prepared for one baby but twins was new and uncharted territory for us. We were excited but that was masked by uncertainty and shock.

Now, off to work where I told my co-worker, Kris. Noticing I was kind of in a daze Kris had asked if I was alright.  I told her "well, I haven't decided if I'm alright. I'm pregnant and not with just one but two babies!". She was excited for me as well but also had questions.  This news affected her too.  "Was I going to come back to work after?", was one of the first questions she asked me.  Of course I thought, I don’t think it’s possible.  Two babies, with day care costs, it just would not be worth it. But that's too much to decide in one day. 

The next few days we soaked in the news and started telling our family and friends. Most people were so excited for us.  I had many people say “I want twins” or “you’re so lucky” or “twins are a blessing”.  Don’t get me wrong, I thought twins were a blessing too.  I was just still trying to figure out how.  I was trying to figure out how all of this was suppose to work together and trying to convince myself that I could still do it all with two babies.  I can be so unrealistic sometimes!